The Many Doubts of the Elric Brothers
by Matchbox Of Music
Summary: A collection. The Elric brothers chose a dangerous path laced with mystery, guilt and doubt. A series of short stories that follow their adventures and the doubts along the way.
1. A boy and his brother

"I can't do this anymore."

Saying it out loud made it real. Too real. Whatever ambition he had started this journey with was gone now. Edward wondered if his brother felt the same. Did Alphonse feel the same helplessness that he did? Did Al feel at all? The mere thought made Ed want to die. How could he have done that to his little brother? He was supposed to protect him

Al had protected him. He had saved him. Al always saved him- from himself mostly and then from that crazed murderer, Barry the Chopper. Ed would have died, he knew this. Perhaps Al thought that he had saved him from killing the bastard, but that's not true. He couldn't have killed him. He would have hesitated. He wasn't a killer, at least he didn't want to be. He had killed Majahal, and even though it had been an accident, he still felt the weight of the burden. If Al hadn't shown up, Ed would have died, and so would have Winry. What would Al have done then? He was an empty suit of armor.

"But I don't think I can do this anymore." He curled into the fetal position on his bed, clutching his loose hair in his hands. Tomorrow he and Al would begin their journey for the Philosopher's Stone. But it would only get harder. He might have to hurt people- he might have to kill people.

His heart hurt so badly. –But- he thought –at least I have a heart to be hurt.- Did Al hurt when he felt sad? Oh, God, how could he have done that to his brother, his little brother? He thought about it every time he looked at him. The suit of armor was becoming more familiar than it should have been. They had the same eyes, right? Al's hair was shorter, right? He could barely remember.

"Brother? Are you awake?"

Ed scrambled off the bed and dove under just as the door opened. Al stepped in. Why was he hiding from his brother? Because he couldn't stand to look at him right now. He never could, actually, but he would never let Al know that. Maybe he would if he could actually see his reaction, but the helmet was cold and unmoving. He never knew what Al was thinking anymore.

Alphonse had always been very expressive- you always knew what he was thinking. Ed, on the other hand, always tried to hide his feelings. Apart they were very different, but together they were the same, as much sense as that made.

Edward turned his face away from the metal feet of his little brother and closed his eyes. If only he could close his ears as well. He wished he had died trying to bring back his mother. He wished he hadn't gotten Alphonse into it. He could have lived with Pinako and Winry and lived a somewhat normal life.

-Don't cry, Edward Elric. If he can't cry, then neither can you- he told himself as the tears pressed against his eyelids.

"Why are you hiding, brother?"

Ed banged his head on the top of the bed, then crawled out, "I'm not. I musta fallen off the bed in my sleep and rolled under." He grinned, any traces of sadness and tears gone. "You know my sleeping habits."

"Brother…." Al sighed.

Al always knew when he was lying. Ed didn't know how he did it. He had no problem lying to anyone else, or just keeping the truth from them, like he did to Winry. But sometimes she even knew he was lying.

"What? You're always scolding me about my sleeping habits. Sometimes I forget who's older." He lay back down on the bed and stared at the ceiling. He wished Al would leave, which hurt him. It seemed to Ed that it didn't matter where Alphonse was, gone from his sight or not, he was still sad.

"Yah, but you've never fallen asleep under the bed before."

"Maybe I'm turning paranoid." Ed shrugged, then turned over on his side, away from his brother, "I'm tired. I need as much sleep as I can get before we get going. There might not be any place to stay when we get to that mining town." He said, but that was stupid. Of course there would be a hotel or something in a town. It was just a stupid excuse to get Al to leave.

"You're right." Al said, even though he knew Ed was lying. Sometimes you had to let things go with Edward Elric. When he didn't want you to know something, he wasn't going to tell. "But Winry wants to look at your arm and you know that if you don't let her she'll turn scary."

"Yeah." Ed said softly.

Al left, and Winry must have been waiting right outside the door because she came in right afterwards. "How's your arm?" she asked, thinking that it was strange that Edward agreed so easily to have her work on his arm. He usually whined and refused to let her look at it, saying she took too long to fawn over her own work.

"It feels fine. My shoulders are just a little sore from reattaching it by myself." He said, turning on his back again, but kept staring at the ceiling. He couldn't look at Winry anymore either, because she always had this sad look in her eyes. He figured it was because he left and never got to see him unless he needed work on his arm, or if she just randomly showed up like this time.

Winry removed the panel on his arm that protected the wired connecting his nerves. "What's wrong, Ed?"

"Nothing. What's wrong with you guys?" Anger entered his voice.

"Don't lie. We both know that something's bothering you. It's not healthy to keep that bottled in."

"It's not healthy to be so obsessed with mechanics."

And it wasn't healthy to try and bring your mother back, either!" As soon as she said that, Winry regretted it, watching Ed's shoulders tighten, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean that."

"Yes, you did, but you're right, Win. It was stupid and look what I did to Al."

"You lost something, too."

"What I lost doesn't matter. It's nothing."

"It's not. You both lost something. You're brothers on this journey together. You need to stop hiding things from each other or you'll never find what you're looking for."

"How do you know. You don't know anything." He said, and right afterwards felt the sting of a slap on his cheek.

"How dare you, Edward. We've been friends forever and you think I don't know? I know everything about you and Alphonse. You can tell me anything."

"I don't want you to know. This is my burden and mine alone."

"You and Al are in this together." Her movements became angry as she worked on his arm.

"Ow, Winry!"

"Just shut up and take it. You think you're such a man now, but you're not. You're 12, Edward. You're still a child."

"So are you."

"At least I know that."

"Damn it! Could you be a little more gentle?"

"If you think you're such a man, then you can take it."

"Stop being such a bitch." And she slapped him yet again, stood up and threw the parts of his arm at him.

"Then you can fix your arm by yourself from now on!" Crying, she ran from the room.

"Winry!" He heard Al call after her, "Brother, what did you do to Winry?" He stepped inside the room.

Ed only turned his head away from him and mumbled, "None of your business." He felt himself being lifted up by the front of his shirt and was slammed against the wall. His head made contact rather hard.

"Why do you think you have to keep everything from me? Aren't I your brother? We're the only family we have left. And Winry is always looking out for us and you don't even care. She takes her precious time to fix your arm when you're careless with it. She came all the way here to see us and you don't even care."

"That's not true."

"Well, that's sure what it looks like." Alphonse let him down, "If you think I'm such a burden, then maybe we should part ways."

"No!"

"Then what do you want, Ed?"

"I don't know." He slumped against the wall. "I don't know anything. What if we search the world for this Philosophers Stone and it ends up being a myth. All that hard work for nothing and you'll be stuck like that forever."

"But at least we tried. That's what's important. And even if it is a myth, there are always other ways we haven't researched yet."

Ed sat on the floor limply, "I'm scared, Al." he said quietly, but he felt as if he had screamed it.

"Of what?"

"Everything." He stood up, "Al…..I've wanted to ask you if…..if you…."

"What? What is it, brother?"

"It's nothing." Ed smiled, "I better go apologize to Winry or she'll never fix my arm."

The helmet that served as Al's head nodded in approval and then followed Ed as he walked out the door. What was it that his brother wanted to ask him? He hated it when Ed kept things from him. But Al kept things from Ed, too, so he guessed it was kind of fair. Like Alchemy- Equivalent Exchange. But he didn't think it should be like that between them. They were brothers and the only family they had left.

Alphonse sat down on the bed. It creaked under his armor's weight. He would wait for his brother to get back. He liked being with Ed, but he had this distinct feeling that his brother didn't feel the same. It hurt, but he wasn't sure, not unless Ed told him. Ed would never tell him.

He idly looked out the window. Ed was holding Winry by the wrist as she desperately tried to get away. It was futile. He was holding her with his right hand. What had he said to Winry? He would never admit it, but he had been slightly eavesdropping. But only slightly, it could hardly count, right? But he had heard his name a couple times. And what was it that Edward wanted to say to him?

"Let go of me, Edward Elric!" Winry screamed and pulled.

"Just stay still. If you keep pulling you'll pop your arm out of socket. It hurts."

"I don't care!"

"You will when it happens!" He gave a hard tug and pulled her to him, trapping her arms in between their bodies. "I'm scared, Win."

"You should be. You've chosen a dangerous path." The anger was still afloat in her voice.

"Not of that. Of Al. I'm afraid that he blames me."

"Oh, Edward. You need to tell him." Her voice softened.

"I can't. I'm not ready. I will, really I will. But I can't right now." He raised his head, "I'm such a coward."

"No, you're not. You're the bravest person I know."

"You're just saying that."

"You're being an ass." She pulled back and took his left hand in her's, "Let's get back and fix that arm of yours. You're going to need it. I'll polish up Al while I'm at it. I'll leave you a bottle of polish. You need to take care of him, you know."

"Yeah, I know." Edward wanted to take care of his brother. He just didn't know how.

It was the beginning of their journey down a path laced with doubt.


	2. The Alchemist and His Watch

"Youswell. Last town to the east."

So what. That was the only interesting thing about it. Ed certainly wasn't happy about coming to some back country town. It had been empty and poor with people on scraps while the commanding state officer lived in a mansion- this was more than Edward and Alphonse had come for. And Ed hadn't even planned on doing anything. He wasn't interested in anything but finishing the job then searching for the Philosopher's Stone- which he still wasn't sure was real, yet he seemed to be the only one out of the two brother's worried about it.

"This is both our home and our coffin."

However, unknowingly, the town foreman had persuaded him and Ed didn't even realize it until it was all over-the deed to the town safely in the hands of the residents, Yuki running off, his lackies going back to HQ, and Lyra just simply disappearing. Then Ed and Al were back on a train heading to Xenotime, the city of gold. It would be their first lead on the Stone.

"That was good of you, Edward."

"Hm?" Ed perked, swerving his eyes from the passing scenery to his brother, "What was?"

"Helping those people like you did." Edward couldn't see, but he was pretty sure that if he could, Al would be smiling. Even though it still hurt Ed to look at his little brother and the way he was, since Winry had, literally, slapped some sense into him it was easier.

"Oh, right." Edward lounged, setting his feet on the seat across from him where Al sat. "Just because I'm a dog of the military doesn't mean I have to act like one." He stared out the window again, hands behind his head.

"You probably don't understand….."

Ed frowned. What made that drunken, back country jerk think he wouldn't understand? Why wouldn't he understand what it was like to have a home and then loose it? He did! He remembered what it was like to have a home to go to. A warm place to go when it got cold. A place to go when you were hungry and tired and felt unloved. A place where you were fed, where you slept, and where you were loved with every fiber of being that you had. That you all had. Where you were all loved.

"Mother." His lips formed the name before he even thought about it. She had fed them, put them to sleep with bedtime stories and loved them unconditionally. He had just tried to love her back.

"Did you say something, brother?"

"I was just talking to myself." Ed sighed.

He did remember, but that's all he had-memories. Memories of what Al really looked like, memories of their mother, memories of their home. Because they didn't have a home anymore. It was just a smoldering heap now. Burnt wood, burnt memories. There was no going back after that-there was no place to go back to. It sealed their path, their destinies, their fates, their lives.

Ed was getting sad, and he didn't want his brother to see it. It was important that Al never saw him faulter. He was, after all, the older brother. He stood up, "I'll be back. I'm going to look for some food. I'm starved." That sounded like a good enough excuse. And Al bought it, like the gullible little brother Ed knew he could be.

Really, Ed just found an abandoned train cart, which wasn't hard-the train from Youswell was completely empty except for the crew. No one went to Youswell, and no one left.

"This is our home and our coffin."

Yes, he knew! He knew what that meant! So why did it keep coming back to him? Why couldn't he get it out of his head? Why was it so important to him? Why, why, why?

Because he didn't have a home to stay at until he died. He would probably die as a military dog. Ed slumped down onto a bench, running his left hand through his bangs. He hated touching himself with his right hand-hated remembering that he was only half a human.

Thinking about the day that he and Al burnt down their house, he could feel the heat on his back. The heat from the fire. He could hear the sound of the wood crackling and burning. The house collapsed, the windows shattered and the roof came crashing to the ground, but neither of them looked back. To look back, was to hesitate, and to hesitate was to admit that they weren't ready to leave. They never looked back.

"October, wasn't it, Ed?" He asked himself. "Yes, yes, October. October third." As if he would ever forget. He would never forget. "But I could, couldn't I?" Was it possible for him to get so caught up in the military that he would forget the whole reason he had so willingly walked into Central and into the State Alchemy Exam? He would like to tell himself no, but he had never known that one day he and Al wouldn't have a mother, or that they would try and bring her back. That she would die. So the future was that unknown, but Ed would make sure he would never forget.

So Ed used the rest of the evening light to carve that single thought, that single feeling and that single date into the lid of his watch. It wasn't perfect- jagged and crooked- but it did it's job. The silver shards of the chipped away metal gathered in a small pile in the lid. Ed tipped it into his gloved hand and thrust his arm out the open window. They scattered, the last tip of red sun catching the reflection.

Something new was starting. Something different. Ed knew this. He and Al would be ready for anything. They would follow the path of the Philosophers Stone, no matter how dangerous or difficult it will probably be. And Ed knew that no matter what happened, he would never forget.

Don't forget

3.oct.10

He would never forget the day that he and his brother burnt down their house, left their home and set out to make things right again.

Ed wandered blindly back to his seat. He had been gone for quite some time, so when he got back he hadn't expected anything less than a lecture from his younger brother about leaving him.

Ed didn't give a reason as to why he was gone for so long, or where he had been. He plopped down in his seat, feeling oddly content and looked squarely at Al. "You haven't forgotten, have you, Alphonse?"

"Forgotten what?"

"Never mind. It was a stupid question." Ed knew that Al would never forget.

And now neither would he.


End file.
